


as long as i'm with you

by donotfeedthebirds



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, Kinda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-19 16:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20660057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donotfeedthebirds/pseuds/donotfeedthebirds
Summary: Vivi didn't mind falling in love over and over again. After all, if it was with Haseul, she could get through everything with a smile.or,Where Vivi and Haseul meet in different universes, and Vivi has memories of falling in love with Haseul in every single one.





	1. her heart (that i don't have)

Vivi found Haseul at the beach house. It seemed like the party had continued there after the bonfire had gone out, if Vivi had to guess, what with the random empty bottles and cans littering the small place.

Haseul looked terrible (or well, as terrible as she could look to Vivi - Vivi would always think that she was beautiful), her hair having chunks of sand both wet and dry in it and sticking up at odd places, patches of dry sand on her skin, and her eyes all red-rimmed like she didn’t get much sleep. She was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the mess, head in her hands.

Vivi tiptoed through, avoiding the shards of glass and questionable liquids she could slip on, to make her way to the younger girl.

“So, what happened last night?” Vivi asked, plopping down next to her on the wooden floor after checking that she wasn’t going to sit in anything that could stain her dress. “You just kinda left.”

Apparently that was the wrong question - because instantly Haseul’s face screwed up.

“She brought him, Vivi,” Haseul spat out. “She brought him, with his smug face, coiffed hair, and perfect abs, and annoying, ugh-” Her words were erratic, speeding up as the sentence went on until she came to an abrupt stop, as if even she couldn’t stand what she was saying.

Haseul roughly pulled at her own hair, angrier than Vivi had ever seen her before. In response, Vivi tenderly grabbed hold of Haseul’s hands, plucking them out of her hair to situate them onto Vivi’s lap. The sight of Haseul hurting herself had to be one of Vivi’s least favourite - never failed to cause an ache in her chest. Though it was a little cute that her habit to tug on the strands of her hair when frustrated carried over to this universe.

“Slow down,” she told Haseul, giving her time to breathe, “who are we talking about?

“Jungeun,” Haseul ground out, like the name itself hurt her, “she knows that I love her but she still made out with him in front of my face. Like- like she didn’t care about how I would feel.” Haseul let out a groan, which sounded more like a roar due to her choked-up voice. Her head ground against her knees as she pulled away from Vivi’s grasp to pull at her hair again. “Or maybe-- maybe she wanted to hurt me.”

Gently, Vivi grabbed her hands and took them from her head again, knowing it was all she could do when Haseul got like this. She sat there, without speaking, without judging, just listening. Because that was what Haseul needed. Because she’d do anything that Haseul wanted, even if it hurt to hear her talk about somebody else.

“Then- then she had the audacity to take me to our secluded spot on the beach - where I fucking told her I loved her for the first time-” Haseul’s voice wavered. “and, and she cried in my arms and told me she missed me.”

Haseul crawled into her lap, Vivi’s arms instinctually wrapping around her like she had done a hundred, a thousand times before in other worlds. But only the second time in this one. Vivi hoped it was a comforting embrace, wanting more than anything to let Haseul know that she was cared for, that she was loved.

“We kissed, and God, there were fireworks. Stupid cliche bursts of light.” Haseul shuddered. “S-she fell asleep in my arms and it was like old times, you know? It was like, like my heart could regrow and we could be together a-again.”

Haseul grabbed at Vivi’s back, scratching the marks she had given her just two nights ago, now in a different type of desperation. All Vivi could do was hold her and she hated it. _I love you_, Vivi wanted to say, _not her. We could be together again, please. Please look at me._

“I just thought- hey, maybe we could do it right this time. Maybe this time she’ll- she’ll stay, maybe this time, I-I’ll be enough! Or-- or-- I don’t know what I thought.” Haseul shook her head, frustrated with herself, and this action rubbed her face deeper into Vivi’s embrace. “All I know is I was so happy for the first time in such a long fucking time.”

Haseul ceased her words, confusing Vivi. If that were the end of the story, why wasn’t she with Jungeun? Why was it Vivi who was holding Haseul right now, and not the girl she claimed to love?

“And then?” Vivi pressed, as if every word that came from Haseul’s mouth wasn’t consuming her from the inside. She tried to keep her voice calm for Haseul’s sake, but it was getting hard to push down just how angry she was. What kind of a dumbass could hold Haseul’s heart in their hands and not realise just how lucky they are?

“And then… she left in the middle of the night with him and I woke up alone. I woke up alone and she had texted me that our relationship - all of our time together, everything - was a fucking mistake.” Haseul’s voice was quavering and cracking. Even though fury was bubbling in Vivi’s chest (because who the fuck could ever think that loving Haseul was a mistake?), she kept her movements gentle as she rubbed Haseul’s back. “Can you believe that?”

Haseul’s tears were soaking the fabric of her dress but Vivi didn’t give a single shit, didn’t care about anything except for her. Tears almost came to Vivi’s eyes too, she never could handle seeing Haseul like this.

“I can’t believe that you ever loved a girl like that,” Vivi said honestly, only achieving in causing more tears from the girl in her arms. Her back rubbing intensified as Haseul’s sobs did, trying her hardest to ignore the jab in her heart.

“I-I still do,” Haseul admitted, “because even after all that, all of that shit, she’s perfect.” Her words were soft and feeble, but still fond. Her loving tone made Vivi feel sick. Haseul couldn’t see that she was the one who was perfect, that she deserved a better love than someone who could leave her so easily.

The room was silent for a bit until Vivi spoke up again. “I dunno if it’s healthy to love someone who hurts you like that.”

She shook her head against Vivi, spreading her tears on the fabric of her dress. “You know, my dad used to say something to me. Those who love you well will make you cry,” Haseul said, her voice sounding clearer and clearer with every word, “but I don’t feel loved at all.”

“You deserve to,” Vivi let out, “you deserve everything.”

Those words apparently spurred something in her as Haseul let go, wiped her eyes and nose, even her cheeks, before looking at Vivi curiously.

“What is it?” Vivi asked. Vivi stared back blankly, trying not to let her adoration for Haseul show on her face. Tried not to show how hard it was on her to have Haseul so close, but with her mind on someone else.

Haseul stared into her eyes, her own darting around like they were looking for something in Vivi’s. It wasn't an uncomfortable gaze, but Vivi shifted all the same. If Haseul saw the love in her eyes, the love that was only ever for Haseul, she’d be royally screwed.

“Nothing,” Haseul responded, “it’s just…”

She leaned in again, this time not for a hug. Her mouth - open, wet, warm - made contact with Vivi’s, but only slightly, as if asking for permission. Vivi’s lips parted out of habit. It just felt too right to kiss Haseul, just as it had felt too right to hold her.

It was softer than any kiss Vivi had experienced since Sooyoung, or maybe even before then. Sooyoung had always been passionate to the point of rough, but Haseul was so tender it was hard to concentrate on anything else. Vivi knew that Haseul would rather have been kissing someone else - because in this universe, Haseul’s heart belonged to Jungeun - but it still made Vivi feel warm in the pit of her stomach.

Her tongue slipped into Vivi’s mouth like it was inevitable, their mouths melding together like how souls meld when you find your once-in-a-lifetime love. Her nose rubbed Vivi’s cheek, tilting her head, eager for a better angle. Vivi’s memories might have been faded, but they came back in surges, every time Haseul had kissed her coming back in waves.

But the most pressing memory, the one that never seemed to leave her mind, was from this universe, the last time Haseul had kissed her - only two nights ago. Vivi had deluded herself into thinking that kiss meant something, that Haseul had forgotten all about Jungeun and was finally hers. But Vivi of all people should’ve known how hard it is to forget someone you loved, should’ve known that Haseul forgetting Jungeun was impossible. Of course, Vivi was just being used - just like she was now. And of course, Vivi let herself be used, because she would do anything for Haseul, because she always did.

Vivi tasted the salt of Haseul’s tears, or maybe it was seawater. Or maybe it was her own tears, let out in frustration at the knowledge that in this lifetime, Haseul was Jungeun’s and Vivi would always be an afterthought - something to use to pass the time until they found themselves together again.


	2. alone by choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> doesn't focus on viseul as much as i'd like, but it's necessary to understand the way vivi thinks about it all.

Sooyoung, like Vivi, was someone who always remembered. See, where Vivi had Haseul, Sooyoung had Jiwoo. 

Every few lifetimes, Vivi and Sooyoung would cross paths and see each other again. They would reminisce, bond over their shared experiences, listen to the other’s heartache about having the women they loved so much not know who they were. At this point, Vivi felt like she knew too much about Jiwoo, despite never having met the girl. Sooyoung always described her the same way - the image of a bright and bubbly girl with a smile that rivalled sunshine was permanently ingrained in Vivi’s mind.

Vivi felt like she was suffocating but stayed silent. Sooyoung’s head on her chest felt _wrong_, just as awkward as the way their legs were intertwined underneath the thin blanket, as forced as every “I love you” that escaped from their lips. Vivi never quite understood why they would lie to themselves in these lifetimes, saying that they were fine settling for each other when they both knew there was someone out there that was their perfect match.

Her hand rested over Sooyoung’s bare stomach, rising and falling along to her steady breathing. Vivi wondered how Sooyoung could breathe so easily, because every second without Haseul by her side made Vivi’s lungs feel like they could collapse any second.

Neither of them paid any attention to the flickering television beside them, Sooyoung’s gaze focused on the ceiling and Vivi’s on the wall opposite. Aside from the television, the room was silent. A comforting silence, sure Vivi always enjoyed spending time with the other girl, but maddening all the same.

“Do you remember falling in love with her?” Vivi asked, half to break the tension and half because she desperately wanted to know. Jiwoo was a topic they talked about often but they were both careful to leave words like ‘love’ out of their mouths. But not talking about love when they were both contemplating it never made sense to Vivi. “The first time, I mean.”

Sooyoung smiled a sombre smile, emotionless behind her soft brown eyes.

“Yes,” she said after a long pause, her voice unusually calm. “What about you? Remember falling for Haseul?”

“How could I forget?” Vivi answered flippantly. She had to stop herself from stuttering over her words, from exposing just how deeply she still felt for the younger girl. 

How long had it been since she last held Haseul in her arms? Two lifetimes ago? Three? Four? And yet she was still as in love as the first time, still so smitten for the girl that most would have forgotten about by now.

“Do you think,” Sooyoung's fingers lightly trailed over Vivi’s hand, which had risen up to barely underneath her chest, “that we’ll ever stop loving them?”

Every time Vivi thought about Haseul, she fell even more deeply. Every passing thought only cemented the younger girl deeper into Vivi’s heart. The only way Vivi could ever stop loving Haseul was if she was never on her mind, and considering how Vivi’s thoughts consisted of her more often than not, it just didn’t seem possible. If Vivi could somehow forget all about her, erase all her memories and start anew, that would be the only way she could ever stop loving her.

Forgetting about Haseul sounded_ terrible_. It would mean forgetting loving brown eyes, the way she’d smile so softly at Vivi like she hung the stars in the sky, the adorable way she’d tuck her hair behind her ear whenever she was excited, the admirable passion she had for everything - especially music. Forgetting Haseul was to forget about happiness.

“I don’t think I want to,” Vivi answered.

Vivi’s hand stroked down Sooyoung’s lean midsection, settling over her stomach again. Noticing how her cold fingertips made Sooyoung shift ever so slightly in place, Vivi let her thumb graze against the sensitive Sooyoung had by her side, just over her hip. Sooyoung shivered.

“No,” Sooyoung breathed out, “neither do I.”

Her voice was more like a whisper as she closed her eyes to focus on Vivi’s touch. Vivi peppered light kisses over her neck and collarbone, open mouth kisses that made Sooyoung tremor against her.

“How about we stop talking now?” Vivi suggested, which Sooyoung nodded at.

Turning in Vivi’s grasp, she leant up and connected their lips in a swift, smooth motion.

As they kissed, Sooyoung dragged her nails across Vivil’s already red skin. It hurt, but the pain was welcome. Pain made it easier to forget, made it easier to focus on the here and now. 

* * *

Sooyoung stumbled upon Jiwoo one day, for the first and only time in this lifetime. On Jiwoo’s wedding day, apparently.

Shocked at the sight, Sooyoung had sprinted to Vivi’s apartment in the pouring rain, started rambling the second Vivi opened the door. Ranting and raving about how happy Jiwoo seemed without her, how she so desperately wished that she could be happy too. But she couldn’t. Not without Jiwoo. Not in this lifetime. 

According to Sooyoung, Jiwoo’s smile was even wider than it had ever been when she was with her. From Sooyoung’s past descriptions of her, this seemed hard to believe. The girl with a face-splitting grin, with such pure enthusiasm and joy that it always reached her eyes, could smile even wider, seem even happier?

“Sh-- she--” Sooyoung choked out between shallow sobs. Her usual confident smirk was replaced by the most distraught expression Vivi had ever seen on her. It made sense. Vivi knew that Sooyoung was still holding out hope that this Jiwoo could wait for her.

“Shhh.” Vivi pulled Sooyoung into a much-needed hug, not minding how Sooyoung’s soaked clothes dampen her own. Sooyoung quickly accepted, letting Vivi wrap her arms around her. Vivi moved her hands up and down to warm her chilled bones, making Sooyoung’s arms wrap tightly around Vivi’s midsection as she continued to sob. “You don’t have to tell me anything.”

They stood there for what felt like hours, just hugging. After a while, Sooyoung’s sobs softened to sniffles, and after a long pause, the sniffles stopped as well. 

“Feeling better?” Vivi asked.

Her mouth was pressed against Vivi’s shoulder as she lets out a shaky breath. “Not really,” Sooyoung murmured against her shoulderblade.

“That’s okay.” Vivi sighed, knowing the feeling of loss all too well. “Girls like Jiwoo, girls like Haseul… they’re not easy to move on from.”

* * *

But Sooyoung did. Knowing that she couldn’t have Jiwoo in this lifetime, she met Jinsoul.

Jinsoul, who - while kindhearted, sweet, smart, and beautiful - wasn’t Jiwoo. Who wasn’t who Sooyoung’s heart called out for. Vivi couldn’t help but resent Sooyoung for it. How could Sooyoung do this, betray Jiwoo like this? Jiwoo, who she had spent countless lifetimes loving.

Vivi told Sooyoung to meet with her in the hotel they went to the first time they met in this universe. It looked exactly like she’d remembered - two twin beds, an ugly greyish-beige couch, a tiny fridge in the dark corner of the room. 

Sooyoung walked in, tan and radiant after having spent the summer abroad with Jinsoul. She seemed happy. Much happier than when she was moping over Jiwoo, at any rate. Vivi could never imagine loving someone besides Haseul, so Sooyoung even pretending that she loved someone besides Jiwoo… it offended her in a way she didn’t know it could.

A million questions ran through Vivi’s head. _ How dare you? _ Vivi wanted to ask. _ How could you be so happy when the girl you’re meant to be with loves someone else? How could you replace your soulmate with some random girl you know your heart doesn’t want? _

Vivi doesn’t say any of those things, taking the time to collect her thoughts, to reel in the inexplicable anger that went through her. But when Sooyoung showed her a ring that Jinsoul had bought for her, one that she had purposefully placed on her left ring finger, Vivi snapped.

“How-- I just can’t wrap my fucking head around it. How can you be so _ happy _ without the love of your life?” Vivi practically spat out her words, a harsh bitter tone to her voice. “How can you throw away something as beautiful as what you had?”

“Don’t act like you know me.” Sooyoung scoffed, as if Vivi wasn’t the only person that really knew her. “Don’t--” she chuckled darkly, “have you even thought about how badly I’m hurting too?”

Sooyoung’s words were clearly pained, voice strained as if she could barely push them out of her throat. It made Vivi feel guilty, but she mustered up all of her frustration to continue berating Sooyoung. Sooyoung had made a bad choice in this lifetime, and she had to know. 

“Yeah, you looked real pained all cuddled up with Jinsoul.” Vivi shook her head, making her disappointment clear. “Does Jiwoo mean nothing to you? All those years you spent with her, can they really be thrown away for some quick fun?”

“It’s because I care about her--” Sooyoung interrupted. “It’s because Jiwoo means _everything_ to me that I’m doing this. Because-- _ fuck _I can’t stand knowing that here, her heart belongs to someone else. That I’m not the one she goes home to, not the one she kisses awake.”

Vivi couldn’t understand her reasoning. Sooyoung loved Jiwoo and that was why she was betraying her? It didn’t make sense to her. “So what?”

“You say you do, but you don’t know what it’s like.” Sooyoung shook her head, not looking Vivi in the eye. “You don’t know what it’s like to be twelve years old and meet someone you can feel in the pit of your stomach will change your life for the better.” 

Her voice softened with every word and with it, Vivi’s anger softened too. “Or fourteen in another life - a life where you feel so fucking alone you just wanna run away from everything - meeting a girl that finally gives you a reason to stay. Fifteen, sixteen, I’ve met her so many times in so many worlds, and she’s fixed me in every single one that my soul aches when she’s not beside me.”

Vivi stood there, silent. 

“This is the first time,” Sooyoung confessed, “where I’ve felt so hopeless. I can’t just swoop in and steal her away this time, I can’t ruin the love she’s made here. I don’t want to be selfish. Jiwoo deserves better than that. But I-- _ fuck-- _ I’m so _weak,_ Vivi. Can’t you understand that? I needed a distraction from it all, Jinsoul was there. That’s it.”

Vivi understood what she was talking about, had felt that temptation a handful of times. But she knew that she could never do what Sooyoung had done, could never throw Haseul away for some downgrade replacement. 

Because Jinsoul was great. She made Sooyoung happy, something she hadn’t been for a long time. But when compared to a soulmate, everyone else would pale in comparison. Even a girl as awesome as Jinsoul. Vivi would hate always having to compare someone to Haseul. But she could respect Sooyoung’s choice.

“Fine,” Vivi said, standing up abruptly from the bed. 

But before she could leave, Sooyoung said something from behind her. “You could try it too. You could be happy without her, you know?”

“No,” Vivi’s voice was firm, “I can’t.”

She turned back, meeting Sooyoung’s gaze for a final time. 

“Just like I’ve never met Jiwoo, you’ve never met Haseul. You don’t know what it’s like to fall maddeningly in love with her a hundred, no, a thousand different times. You don’t know what it’s like to have her take your breath away with every movement, to have her smile at you like you’re her everything,” Vivi said, “I know what I feel when I’m with her, Sooyoung. And I know I can’t have that with anyone else. I’d rather wait a dozen more lifetimes to have her again than have some half-hearted replacement.”

* * *

In this universe, Vivi and Haseul never met. 

Vivi only saw her on a TV screen, on billboards and posters, as a standee in Vivi’s favourite bubble tea shop. Vivi saw countless advertisements about Haseul’s successes and her concerts, but never dared attend. In this one, Vivi restricted herself to admiring from afar.

She watched her music videos in her free time, used Haseul’s songs as background noise to fall asleep to. Vivi tried to tell herself that this was enough even though she knew it was nowhere near that. She watched Haseul’s career take off, slowly but surely, and flourish and it made such pride burst in her. There was the girl she loved, loved by the nation in this lifetime. Just like she’d always deserved. Seeing Haseul doing well without her, Vivi convinced herself she made the right choice.

Vivi saw her once. Only once and never again.

It was half past midnight and pitch dark. Vivi was walking home after a miserable night at the bar, which Sooyoung had dragged her to. Haseul gave her the shock of the century by walking past. 

Most of Haseul’s face was obscured by a mask, and her hair hidden under her hood, but Vivi could recognise her anyway. Vivi could recognise her anywhere.

There was no hiding those charming eyes, or her distinctively adorable ears. She was Haseul, there was no doubt in Vivi's mind about that. Having her so close and yet so far made Vivi’s heart pulse against her ribs - as if trying to clamber out to reach Haseul on its own. Vivi almost felt sorry for it. She was the one thing that was stopping her heart from reaching its goal, after all.

Vivi resisted the urge to call out the name she knew all too well, not wanting to be seen as some obsessive fan that had followed Haseul home. Haseul deserved privacy, to feel safe.

She let Haseul walk away. In this universe, she knew that’s what she had to do. Because this Haseul was too busy, too preoccupied with other things - worldwide tours and business deals - for love. Vivi would only be a burden to her in this lifetime. 

So she simply watched as Haseul slipped away, the younger girl not having a clue that such an important decision was made for her. In this world, Haseul never experienced a once-in-a-lifetime love and neither did Vivi. Vivi thought she made the right choice, not knowing she had cursed Haseul with a lifetime of loneliness. 

But maybe in the next one, Vivi thought, maybe there it’ll be like paradise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me about viseul anytime!
> 
> cc + twt: @propertyofny

**Author's Note:**

> ily
> 
> twt/cc: @choerrytmt


End file.
